Tales of Retirement
By Martin
I haven’t officially retired but I haven’t worked in years. I was there, at my job – and then (like the skunk I just watched disappear into a hedge) – I was gone. There was no retirement party, no pithy moment of realizing: “This is it, the last time I set foot in this place!”
I have a chronic condition that allows me to be energetic for only short periods of time. For a while I thought I’d be able to return to work; that hasn’t happened. As I found out from this newsletter, there are a lot of us who didn’t plan on ending our career; it just ended. Often our identity is so entwined with our work that to have it end unexpectedly can be hard.
The Endlessly Changing Sky
After a decidedly difficult and awkward transition period, I was able to start enjoying the sheer pleasure of time-without-time-constraints. Delightful moments have grown out of a less hurried life. For example, I love spending time on our deck with the huge maple that hugs our house. I revel in the endlessly changing sky.
I am very lucky. There are many pleasures, like spontaneously having coffee with a friend, taking time to play the piano, whipping a super ball around the kitchen while trying not to break things! I have unscripted time to spend with family, for day-to-day tasks and for special interests.
The Big Picture Stuff
When my career ended in an abrupt, tumultuous way, I was catapulted into serious soul searching. Looking back, I see that the way I adapted was by throwing myself into grappling with the big picture questions. There were many things I wanted to know. What is the relationship of the mind to the self? How do we deal with suffering and darkness? Is this reality that we experience the only reality? Is unconditional happiness possible? What do I want my future to be? So many questions… This was not an intellectual exercise; I genuinely sought, and needed, answers! Family and friends were a great help. I also sought guidance through spiritual ceremonies, meditation retreats, and modern western therapies, and so spent many hours engaged in these activities.
My interest in big picture questions and answers, which my wife rightly calls my “quest,” started long ago and intensified after I left work. The “quest” had no specific destination, but had to do with wanting to feel more deeply connected, more at home in my skin, in the world and in the universe.
The Great Mystery
What if I hadn’t ended my career the way I did? Would I be a significantly different person now? Hard to say, but when my career ended I was pushed to further acknowledge the Great Mystery. I love that expression, “the Great Mystery,” which is a term used by this continent’s First Peoples. To me, “Great” conveys the sense of awe that I had as a child and that I continue to feel at times. “Mystery” implies that it’s normal to want to figure out how I fit into the big picture. It’s natural to be confused and it’s okay to stumble and guess. Humility is in order in this vast, largely uncharted territory.
Since I stopped work, experiences have taught me to let go of fears, to discover more deeply the power of love, to trust others, make friends, and feel the strength there is in community. I am more able to see and accept my blind spots with compassion and to make changes. I can let go of some notions I held onto way past their expiry date. I am learning to follow my heart.
It’s been a great ride since I got to dabble and dive into the Great Mystery and what a positive difference it has made. The difficult transition from work and my former identity to whoever it is I am now has led to valuable insights into the nature of things.
I really enjoyed your story Martin. It is not unlike my own. I was planning on semi retiring after moving to Tobermory from Owen Sound. I intended to keep my small consulting business going to help pay the bills and perhaps find a way to start a new small business based on the size of my home (renting out space) andor my love of gardening (selling plants and/or trees). Then I got into some serious health troubles. I have now been diagnosed with a rapid cycling form of bipolar disorder. It was a real rollercoaster for a while but I am feeling grateful that I now receive CPP disability as well as a small work-related pension. I am learning to live with my disorder and a more minimalistic life. I also have a terrific healthcare team 5 minutes away who are sorting out the medical and mental/behavioural stuff with me… I loved your reference to the “Great Mystery” and your thoughts in the last paragraph of your blog. I hope you don’t mind that I copied some of your words to start my own journal of life begining this year into the future. It will be my personal journal only and in it I will reference where it began. Martin’s Tales of Retirement. THANK YOU.
Hi Glenda!
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Rollercoaster is a good word for what we go through sometimes! So glad you have support close by; we are really lucky to have the financial, medical and emotional support that we do.
I can not imagine what you go through daily and or how challenging that is over time! All the best to you.
I am happy you liked the blog. It was worth writing for the insight I gained and I figured if one other person got something from it, that would be icing – so thank you for the icing! Also for sharing that you are starting a journal, which has inspired me to write more, for myself!
I am curious if you find that living more simply has a positive side. I deal with boredom and frustration at being unable to do more. I go through periods where I feel disengaged and wish I wasn’t. On the other hand, the monastery effect – the enforced simplicity – sometimes yields substantial rewards.
Thanks again, and thanks to this newsletter for publishing such interesting perspectives.
Martin
Thank you for you reply and good wishes.
I have always been a reflective person. Mariella was my Leadership Coach for a while when I was still working. She has such a wonderful way of helping others. The result for me was that I got in touch with what I am all about and how to use my nature and strengths to accomplish the goals I wanted to achieve in work or volunteer settings without losing too much of myself. I have high expectations of people, particularly those paid high salaries to manage our health care services which was my field. I struggled with the big picture I saw and am very relieved in my forced retirement to no longer have to deal with the politics and battles between organizations who receive public funds to offer services and spend too much time and money on those turf battles and managers’ salaries.
Yes indeed living the simple life has brought me great joy and no I do not feel bored. Although I was sad to have to sell my 2010 Mazda 5 (which I bought to use as a camper car – travel and sleep in it) to deal with financial issues, I now have a battered old truck, a 2000 model, and it can get me back and forth to the places I choose and is great for work around the property and house. The simple life here includes having an excellent mechanic who works out of a shop at his home and will fix my old buggy using his skills at repairs that are inexpensve. I was there yesterday and not only had the repair and maintenance work done but had the pleasure of a conversation about his life as a mechanic which we always have when I am there. That social connection is someting that would not happen in a dealership when the workers are hidden behind a gate where the customers are not allowed. I also have two friends here who are teaching me about being a minimalist One is a few years older than I. He has chosen a lifestyle in his later years where he lives on about $20 per day. Has no vehicle nor does he want one. I feel grateful that he is a skilled handyman based on more traditional work he did in his younger years. He is helping with house related issues that I am dealing with right now at an hourly rate of $15. Yesterday was his birthday. When he could sense that I was thinking about what I could get him he asked for a squash from a roadside stand or farmers market. We do have a grocery store which carries them but not the really fresh ones right off of the field.
I wanted to live on a farm really badly when I was a kid. I now have almost 6 acres of land where the plants and trees offer me great joy as I observe their patterns of growth and death. I try to fit what happens naturally into my landscaping and gardening approach. It would be nice to be able to afford more help to repair things on the property that need fixing or to remove some of the trees from the thick bush to create a nicer look. I try to stay happy about what I have done when I am in my quiet mood and when feeling active my friends remind me about what I have done which so substantial. The house was a fixer upper and still needs work but it is looking much better than it did.
Well that was a pretty rambling reply.
Thank you for your engaing thoughts and yes indeed thanks to Mariella for the newsletter.
Glenda
Good!