Tales of Retirement
By Judy Callahan
Director, Child Care Services
University of Guelph
Retired January 2009
Four years ago, as my husband and I were beginning to consider when we might retire, I attended a retirement workshop run by Mariella. I wanted to think about how we might handle this transition in our lives with “purpose and passion.” Her seminar was very informative and stimulated much discussion between my husband and me. Mariella shared that a large percentage of individuals retired not when they had planned, but earlier, due to poor health. I was surprised to hear this, but, in fact, this is what happened to Gerald and me. Due to his health challenges, we both retired earlier than planned. We had not reached all our financial goals for retirement; however, we were in a relatively comfortable position so we took the plunge! Fortunately, Gerald’s health improved and we set about carrying out our retirement plan. We travelled, bought a fishing boat, and spent as much time as possible with our families, 13 grandchildren, and friends. Life was good, proceeding nicely according to Retirement Plan A.
Devastation
Four years later, a week before Christmas, our family received devastating news. Gerald was diagnosed with stage 4, metastatic, pancreatic cancer. He was 67 years old. He died 35 days later.
The dreaded Plan B
Now, nine months later, I am a 63-year-old widow trying to develop Retirement Plan B… the plan in which I continue on without him.
None of us wants a Retirement Plan B. Most of us don’t want to talk about what we would do if our spouse died. Unfortunately, it is a reality that many of you will face in the future. Many of the widows/widowers I know have been left in terrible financial and emotional circumstances because there was no Plan B. Gerald and I had done a fair bit of financial planning, but had not discussed the situation in which I now find myself. However, among all the widows I now know, I have been left in a much better position in most areas than the majority of them. I thank Gerald every day for the planning we carried out in advance.
Lessons learned the hard way
My friends ask me what advice I might give them, based on what I now know. This is what I say:
- Develop Retirement Plan A based on all the recommendations made by professionals and ensure that all your financial affairs are in order and up to date. Plan A assumes you are both alive.
- Develop a Plan B in the event that you are widowed. It is imperative that this includes a financial plan for the surviving spouse, as, in many cases, income is likely to be significantly reduced.
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- Discuss whether the remaining spouse can afford to maintain the current housing arrangement or whether there will be an immediate need to move. Many widows/widowers are forced to address this matter within months of their spouse’s death when they are extremely emotionally vulnerable and perhaps least able to make sound judgments about their future.
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- Ensure that income will be immediately available to the surviving spouse so that the monthly bills and funeral expenses can be paid.
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- Ensure that, wherever possible, all bank accounts, investments, pensions, and household expenses, etc., are in both names.
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- Ensure that you have discussed what funeral plans you would both like; some couples preplan and prepay for their funerals so that the surviving spouse does not have to make all these decisions.
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- Ensure that wills, powers of attorney, and personal care directives are up to date.
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- Ensure that your executor(s) are aware of their responsibilities; if you have children, ensure that they are aware of your wishes and who will be making decisions.
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- Ensure that ALL passwords for various accounts are written down where both spouses can find them. (I cannot stress how important it is to keep this list up to date EVERY time a password is changed.
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- Prepare a list that includes all the contact information for those who must be notified that your spouse has died, for example, government agencies, pension and insurance companies, etc. Most funeral homes can provide you with a list of who should be notified.
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- Discuss with your spouse what they would like you to do with their personal belongings that are especially meaningful to them, for example, where does he/she want the coin collection to go? The sports memorabilia? The fishing equipment? The sewing machine? Disposing of a spouse’s belongings is an extremely painful task. Having some idea of where your spouse wants these items to go is very helpful in making this task a bit easier.
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- Many of the items in Plan B are also part of Plan A.
- Prepare a binder that includes all of the above information so the surviving spouse can easily access all pertinent information. There are books in the library that are very helpful in outlining all the items that should be included in the binder.
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- Now, set aside points 1 and 2, other than conducting a yearly review of Plans A and B to update and ensure their continued viability. If your financial situation is complicated, it may be prudent to review the plan more frequently.
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- Make a list of all the things you enjoy and cherish about your spouse. Be thankful for them every day… take nothing for granted! Make plans to spend quality time with one another.
- If possible, begin carrying out your retirement goals even before you retire… don’t wait! There will never be a “perfect time,” so start now!
Learning to swim
As for me, my grief journey continues. I liken grief to the waves in the ocean. Some days, I am hit by tsunami after tsunami; other days it may be a single tidal wave; some days it’s a riptide that pulls me under; some days I am simply drowning; and some days I am hit by every kind of wave. Occasionally now, there are a few hours when I am floating on gentle waves. I am learning to swim in the ocean. This gives me hope! As Gerald use to say, “Every day above ground is a good day,” and I am grateful every day for the love and life we shared. With time, I have faith that a new retirement plan will evolve.
Best wishes to you all.
Hi Judy,
Condolences. Thank you for your moving article and for your resilience. It is really nice of you to take the time to pass on your wisdom to others. You seem to have a lot of patience and courage.
My wife and I will use this list for sure. Right now we are thinking of retirement and how it may play out. It is excellent advice to take an honest look at Plan B, because, as you say, without an open conversation about all probable scenarios, the death of one of us will be harder still for the living one. Maybe doing that will also help prepare us in some small way for the grief of dying or having a spouse die.
I am glad for you that at least some of the planning was in place when Gerald died.
Thank you again for your excellent article. All the best as you walk your path.
Regards,
Martin
Hi Martin,
As I continue to struggle to accept Gerald’s death, it is really important to me that I try to help others who will eventually undertake the journey I am currently on. Knowing that you have found the article helpful, means a great deal to me. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your compassion. Wishing you and your wife a joyous retirement.
Judy
Thank you Judy for your thoughtful and helpful ideas about Plan B. Many of us struggle to put Plan A into place, and never give a thought to Plan B. Your list makes it easier to think about Plan B and to make it happen. I also love your analogy as the grief journey as “learning to swim.” amy
I too am a 63 year old widow. I had always supported our family so there is no economic stress. My husband had been disabled for 20 years and we knew we would not enjoy retirement together. However, two years ago thanks to a new heart, we began making plans. Unfortunately he died just after his two year anniversary of an infection. I want a retirement plan but without him our original plan won’t work for me. Does anyone have any ideas? I don’t want to work past 66 full time so I have a couple more years to figure this out.
Barb, what a time you’ve been through – riding up the rollercoaster of hope with your husband’s new heart, only to have him die shortly afterwards. I’m so sorry for your suffering and loss.
I will notify a few of our readers about your question; maybe they will have some ideas. To clarify, though, when you say you want a retirement plan, what are you looking for? Are you wanting ideas for how to adjust to a life in retirement without your husband, or financial planning ideas, or something else?
Thank you. It is nice to know there are other people with similar issues. In my case, I am most concerned about what to do, i.e. hobbies, volunteer work, etc. I feel it is important to plan now, so when the time comes, I know what’s coming. Just looking for ideas of what other single folks have done in terms of lifestyle, hobbies, places they’re living, etc.
Barb, I like how you’ve tackled the question by putting it out there for others’ input.
I’ll send an e-mail to some people who might have ideas and wisdom about solo retirement. I’ll ask them to comment here.
Hi Barb,
Let me begin by saying that I am very sorry to hear about your husband’s death. From talking with other widows I now know that regardless of the circumstances of a spouses death, whether sudden, anticipated or with a little notice, there is nothing that prepares the surviving spouse for the fundamental changes that result. You are wise to be seeking ideas and information from others in your circumstances as well as those that aren’t. Both have much value to contribute. I am now 20 months out from my husband’s death, and my plan B is coming into sharper focus.
Before we retired, Gerald and I had spent time talking about what we would like to do in our retirement. We agreed that we should have some activities to do together and some that we would pursue independently. Traveling and boating were two things on the together list. On my list, I wanted to learn about fibre art and quilting. The last two years I worked, while I had no time to pursue either of these activities in terms of actually learning new skills or making anything, I did spend time going to quilt festivals, studio tours and subscribed to a number of magazines on both hobbies. I began to purchase some of the supplies I would require and of course began to build a fabric stash. When I did retire, I then had much of what I needed and began to take classes to begin learning the technical skills I needed. Through the classes I met many woman interested in the same activities so I was able to learn from their experiences and advice. I was very pleased with my progress and thoroughly enjoying my creative side. All of this came to an abrupt halt when Gerald and I returned from Florida in March. I picked up some nasty virus that resulted in my being incapacitated for more than a year. In hindsight, by July of that year, Gerald was exhibiting signs of pancreatic cancer but he was not diagnosed until December of that year. He died 35 days later and my life as I knew it was over.
The last 20 months have been extremely painful and I am just now coming out of the widow fog. I did a lot of reading on grief and mourning within months of his death and this was extremely valuable in helping me to understand what was happening to me. I also joined a widow’s support group and it was, without a doubt, one of the most helpful things for me. I know groups are not for everyone, but I didn’t know any widows and from all my reading learned that this was one of the key things I could do to help myself. For me it was a saving grace. My friends were so supportive and helpful in many, many, many ways but they had not yet experienced the devastation that comes from losing a spouse. It was very helpful to me to talk with women who were going through a similar journey. I became very good friends with one of the woman and we have continued to support one another after the group ended.
It is only in the last 4 months that I have begun to feel hopeful about how I will live the rest of my life. Two significant things have happened which have contributed to my frame of mind. One was planned carefully and the other happened quite unexpectedly. First, I planned a five week holiday with my sister-in-law to visit my girlfriend and her husband on Vancouver Island for a week and then to travel on to Australia to spend 4 weeks with my niece and her family. This trip was planned 6 months in advance and gave me something significant to look forward to. The second thing, was quite unexpected. Three weeks before we were to leave for the trip, I bought a new house. While I had been looking at houses to educate myself about prices and locations, I had NO intention to move for another few years. However, the perfect house for me presented itself and with the help of friends and family, I made the decision to buy it and put the home that Gerald and I had built up for sale. While I feel that this is the right move for me, it is all very bittersweet. Packing is emotional and yet I know that this move is the next step into my future and Plan B. My new home is in a senior’s community where there is the option to get involved in many activities organized by the residents. There are 5 quilting clubs which I am very excited about!!!
Both moving and my trip to Australia have given me back the confidence I lost when Gerald died. I know that I can find contentment and happiness again, one day at a time.
My family and friends have been instrumental in helping me grieve and mourn the loss of my sweet, sweet man. They continue to walk beside me offering love and support. I know I will miss Gerald for the rest of my life and I will honour our love by living the best life I can.
In the last few months it has become clear to me that I need to “pay forward” all the help I have received in the last 20 months. I was asked to join the advisory team of the Griefwalk program I attended in the months after Gerald’s death and I have said yes. It is a beginning.
So slowly, I am finding my way. I am rebuilding and finding purpose. I believe, in time, the passion will return.
If you would ever like to talk or share a lunch, Mariella can give you my contact information.
Judy
Judy, thank you for writing and sharing this. It is helping me to think about my own stage of life, and hopefully figure out some things I need to do, or let go of!
Judy:
This is clearly a delayed post, however I wanted to let you know your “retirement story’ has given me hope. I am 61, in medical field, a PA. My darling spouse x 43.5 yr, passed away June 5, 2017 (2 months ago0, after a one yr battle with pancreatic cancer. He was 63, and a hospice RN for over 20 years.
We had been saving for retirement for years, and were actually really making plans to stop working in two years when he was diagnosed.
Well, we certainly had plan A. And, I have no idea why we never had a plan B, with all our work experience. Over the last year, and more say since his passing, I have immersed myself in widowhood, and am shocked at the statistics for widowhood!! Why on earth none of are are prepared for this life change, one to be expected, is beyond me!!
After reading this I am hopeful I will feel more motivated again, sometime in the future. I need to find a new passion to give back to our community, as you have. Right now, the future sure feels dismal. Thankfully, my returning to work has been very good for me, during the day. .
Thank you again.
Be well.
R Jay
Your experience sounds wrenching. Tormenting and awful. I have let Judy know that you wrote, and she intends to write back as soon as she can.
You spoke about being shocked at the statistics for widowhood. Would you be willing to state briefly what you have learned about that? I think it would be useful to hear more. We need to be better informed.
I am glad to hear that returning to work has given you some distraction, at least during the daytime. You have been much on my mind since I read your comment. I am quietly rooting for you, here in the background.
yes plan B is very important i had such a plan for my wife but she died first you have to plan 15 to 20 years before you retire.people don’t they wait to the last minute don’t be one of these people.like they say you are here today gone tomorrow
Frank, I’m sorry your wife died. That must have been especially difficult since you expected to go before her. You’re right, we have to plan well in advance for retirement and we need to open our minds to many possible scenarios. Thank you for your comment encouraging us to do that.