This book helps to bridge the scary gap between your work life and what you hope to build in retirement: a sense of purpose, passionate activities, warm relationships, well-being, and a feeling of fulfilment.
In retirement, the scaffolding of our lives is dismantled and must be rebuilt. Gone are our colleagues, identity, title, power, security, income, roles, status, and recognition. No wonder so many people hit an uncomfortable period of disorientation in retirement, a time of disenchantment and uneasiness.
Not what they were anticipating!
Between these covers you’ll find research and stories to inspire, inform, and embolden you:
- 10 emotional and social challenges faced in retirement
- 3 components of well-being and happiness
- A retirement coach’s insights from years of work in the field
- Tales from those already retired, revealing their challenges and lessons learned
- A light-hearted romp through one man’s life, from before retirement through to 4 years post-retirement
- Self-coaching questions that tether the stories and information to your own retirement plans
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE BOOK, SEE BELOW…
- Testimonial
- Foreward
- Dedication
- Table of Contents
- Why this Book is Necessary
Testimonial
What a glorious romp through what can range anywhere from a desperately challenging to an exhilaratingly inspirational transition — from what we are in our working lives to who we hope to be in our “retirement” lives. Navigating these issues with humour, compassion, wisdom, insight, vulnerability, and her trademark “organizational lists,” Mariella’s cleverly-crafted mentoring manual is a comforting and welcoming guide on how to “see and claim our power” and create “purpose, passion, and well-being” during these most important and fulfilling years of our lives. A thoroughly enjoyable and valuable read!
John P. Brown (he/him),
Legal and Strategic Advisor, Indigenous Initiatives,
McCarthy Tétrault LLP
Foreward
Ten years ago, my Ivey Business School classmates Mariella Hoy and Helen Hillman invited me to attend a pre-retirement workshop they had created. Even though my wife and I were not close to thinking about retirement — other than long-term financial planning — we decided to attend. I knew Mariella to be very capable. She was the president of the undergraduate business students all those years ago, and had won a peer-voted merit award upon graduation. I was confident it would be a worthwhile workshop.
In the opening presentation, Mariella and Helen spoke about how their research showed that, after the honeymoon phase, a significant number of new retirees were not satisfied with their new life. How could that be possible? Hearing about this malaise at that life stage piqued our interest. We really dug in for the rest of the day. I still have the sheets they asked us to fill out at the end, to help guide us when we reached retirement. After the workshop, my wife and I continued to reflect on what would work best for each of us in that long-distant future state.
I retired 5 years ago, after 35 great years with IBM, where I had many roles, globally and in Canada. In my last role I had 8,000 people in my organization. I was fortunate to represent the company/sector in external settings, creating many large partnership projects with governments and universities. This led to being on 10 external boards, including chairing the Canadian Chamber of Commerce in 2013/14. My work was busy — so much so that my work colleagues expressed the firm belief that I would never be able to ‘retire.’ Little did they know that I had the workshop learning from Mariella.
Although I was able to ‘call my own shot’ when I retired, I knew I’d have to focus in earnest on a mix of areas that had very little to do with finances. I had connected with many retirees who expressed the same dissatisfaction that Mariella had described — loss of identity, status, direction — and it reinforced that this feeling is very common. In our unique way, and in part because of what we learned in the workshop, my wife and I decided to concentrate on creating purpose, passion, learning, and health in our retirement.
I have had an amazing start to retirement. We’ve travelled, volunteered (both of us at Southlake Hospital, where I am presently Board Chair), learned and taught (I was a Western University adjunct professor for 2 years) and am now co-founder of an AI company. I golf, work out regularly, and have returned to piano and French lessons. Of course, kids and grandkids are top priority and we spend lots of time with them. I have also faced challenges. I lost two brothers and my parents, and I dealt with health scares. I’m learning to be resilient and to accept what life offers.
I am so pleased that Mariella has written this book. The stories, successes, challenges, and — especially — the lessons offered by so many contributors provide a huge array of experiences that deepen the valuable insights we gained 10 years ago. I will be sure to send out many copies to my friends who are retiring — or holding off that decision because ‘I don’t know what I would do with myself.’ Now, instead of trying to explain, I’ll simply send them a copy of this guide, to help them create conditions to have a “soft, warm current at their backs” as they retire.
Patrick Horgan, Retired
Vice President, Manufacturing, Development and Operations (COO)
IBM Canada
Dedication
I dedicate this book to my sister Teresa, a consummate dreamer, who fed my curiosity to learn more about dreaming, and yearning, and wishing. When I was 35 years old, she wrote a note to me: Such mysterious things, wishes are, aren’t they?
This book is also for those of you toying with the idea of making your silent wishes work for you in retirement.
Table of Contents
Foreword iv
Why this book is necessary………………………………….. 1
A soft, warm current at your back………………………………… 2
Who am I?…………………………………………………………… 3
How this book came about………………………………………… 3
Flagging tape led to retirement coaching………………….. 4
Scary abysses led to the workshop…………………………. 5
Learning through others’ struggles led to the newsletter… 6
Startling retirement outcomes led to this book……………. 7
How to read this book…………………………………………….. 10
PART 1: TEN EMOTIONAL AND SOCIAL CHALLENGES
FACED IN RETIREMENT…………………………………….. 13
1. Dealing with Unexpected Retirement………………….. 17
Retirement: Out with a whimper, not a bang………………….. 19
Slapped with a working notice just before retirement………… 23
Terminated: My career handed to me in a box………………… 28
Self-coaching questions………………………………………….. 32
Following Frank into retirement: 5 months to go……………… 33
2. Creating a New Identity…………………………………….. 35
Will my identity retire with me?…………………………………. 37
Retirement — la petite mort……………………………………… 39
In praise of wattles and wrinkles………………………………… 41
Still don’t know what you want to be when you grow up?……. 44
Self-coaching questions — 16 questions to help figure it out!.. 46
Following Frank into retirement: 4 months to go……………… 47
3. Rebuilding Routines………………………………………….. 49
My last day of work… ever………………………………………. 50
Of lists and blank pages………………………………………….. 53
Inertia in retirement………………………………………………. 55
Freedom sixty-one………………………………………………… 59
Responses to the question “What do you do all day?”………… 62
Self-coaching questions………………………………………….. 63
Following Frank into retirement: 3 months to go.…………….. 64
4. Adapting to Illness and Limitations…………………….. 66
Staving off involuntary early retirement: The emotional side… 67
Aging: I haven’t been reading the script……………………….. 71
Redefining competence: Ponderings from a hospice chaplain… 75
Dealing with the wild cards ……………………………………… 77
Self-coaching questions………………………………………….. 80
Following Frank into retirement: 2 months to go……………… 81
5. Confronting Death…………………………………………….. 83
One widow’s retirement story……………………………………. 84
The graveyard in my mind……………………………………….. 89
Navigating the end of the bend………………………………….. 93
Self-coaching questions………………………………………….. 96
Following Frank into retirement: 1 month to go……………….. 97
6. Reasserting Positive Emotions and a Good Frame of Mind…………99
Oh, the places you’ll go! …with a nod to Dr. Seuss…………. 101
Where there are toasted tomato sandwiches, there is hope… 105
Liver and onion Wednesdays…………………………………… 108
When work ended abruptly, I was catapulted
into serious soul searching …………………………………….. 110
What to put on a bucket list……………………………………. 112
Self-coaching questions…………………………………………. 116
Following Frank into retirement: This is it! 14 days to go…… 117
7. Finding Meaning and Well-Being in Retirement….. 119
I’m fine. Really…………………………………………………… 120
In search of the meaning of life (still)…………………………. 123
Retirement — a time for small things………………………….. 127
Leaving behind a life legacy that goes beyond ego………….. 130
Self-coaching questions…………………………………………. 134
Following Frank into retirement: Retirement — made it!……. 135
8. Adjusting Relationships at Home……………………… 137
What makes (or breaks) relationships in retirement………… 138
Underfoot…………………………………………………………. 142
When one person retires and their partner does not………… 144
Retirement: The 3 Rs — Renew, Refresh, Rejuvenate……….. 147
Survey responses: How did retirement affect your
relationship with your partner?………………………………….. 149
Self-coaching questions…………………………………………. 151
Following Frank into retirement: 1 month into it…………….. 152
9. Struggling with the Creative Urge ……………………. 154
What lures us to creativity?…………………………………….. 155
Practising retirement, and my cover story (Part 1)………….. 159
Practising retirement, and my cover story (Part 2)………….. 161
Getting back to the dreams…………………………………….. 164
What it all means………………………………………………… 166
Self-coaching questions…………………………………………. 167
Following Frank into retirement: 3 months into it……………. 168
10. Balancing Work and Play……………………………….. 171
Why is it so hard to turn down work after retirement?……… 173
Getting to a simpler place………………………………………. 176
An abundance of time…………………………………………… 178
What monkeys do and do not do………………………………. 181
Leisure in retirement — too much of a good thing?…………… 184
Self-coaching questions…………………………………………. 186
Following Frank into retirement: 5 months into it……………. 187
PART 2: THREE COMPONENTS FOR WELL-BEING AND
HAPPINESS IN RETIREMENT………………………………….. 191
Component #1: Purpose………………………………………… 195
Component #2: Passion………………………………………… 201
Component #3: People…………………………………………. 207
Summary…………………………………………………………. 212
Retirement well-being quiz……………………………………… 214
Self-coaching questions…………………………………………. 217
Following Frank into retirement: 1 year into it (after 0.1 decade)…… 219
PART 3: SOME FINAL THOUGHTS……………………………. 221
A cheat sheet for tackling the 10 challenges and
increasing your well-being in retirement……………………… 224
Steps for preparing for retirement…………………………….. 228
In hindsight, what do you wish you had known
about retirement challenges?…………………………………… 229
Ten delights of retirement ……………………………………… 231
Book Summary…………………………………………………… 232
Following Frank into retirement: 4 years into it……………… 236
Acknowledgements……………………………………….. 240
Why this Book is Necessary
The transition into retirement is like the start of a kayak trip: Whether you were sent fondly on your way by waving, well-meaning colleagues, or rudely thrown off the dock, arms and legs flailing, the hard realization slams home that your emotional well-being is solely in your own hands. As the dock you were tethered to for so long fades from view, you turn your eyes forward, only to see a fog engulfing you and your small boat. A panic starts thrumming low in your throat.
As we prepare for retirement, we can feel exposed, at risk, and unsure of our future. No matter how much financial planning we do in preparation, and no matter how exhilarated we may be about leaving work behind, our confidence can be assaulted by the cold unknown.
I recently spoke with a strong, independent woman considering retirement. During our conversation, she mentioned that she had kayaked in places all around the world. When last in Greenland, a whale suddenly rose up under her kayak and lifted her out of the water. She was exhilarated. When she talked of her retirement, though, she said that the personal side of retirement had her “perplexed” and she had no idea how to handle it. It struck me that retirement had her more unsettled than the wild whale ride.
As Rose, one of the contributing writers in this book, said, “If you have been in the habit of operating reasonably well within a set of parameters, you sometimes get very used to working within the box. Suddenly the sides of the box are flattened and it is all up to you.”
Frank, another contributing writer, told of his feeling of exposure: “Despite feeling ebullient about leaving work behind, I was feeling a bit like a turtle out of its shell. I no longer had my cloak of status, my shield of twice-monthly paycheques, and my trusty electronics that served me so well in battling never-ending tasks. I was alone with myself and was feeling uneasy staring myself in the eyes.”
It’s no real surprise to me that retirement can perplex, even panic, those about to launch forth. Leaving our secure world of work and heading into the haze that hides our destination is discombobulating. The sunny, calm waters we thought would be our retirement now appear choppy. Instead of our usual charted course, this journey is unmapped. Our relaxed competence is threatened and we’re not used to being unsure.
But that’s okay. It’s okay to sit in this unsettling place for awhile. As we sit and cogitate, the mists will clear from our minds and we’ll see a way forward. We’ll soon be able to handle retirement confidently, knowing our value in the world, and gleeful about our new identities. We’ll be full of purpose and passion, in a learning frame of mind, ready to give up our old work life, and open to great possibilities.
That is what this book is about: getting us safely launched, on a charted course to where we long to be, full speed ahead, and mighty pleased with ourselves.
A soft, warm current at your back
In this book are the stories of retirees who faced the emotional and social challenges most often dealt with in retirement. As well, I’ll share my favourite nuggets of learning, distilled from years of retirement coaching, facilitating retirement workshops, reading, gathering stories, and conducting surveys. My main nuggets focus on three important components of well-being and happiness. It’s not enough to know we want a happy retirement; we need to know how to make that happen. For that reason, I’ve included the theories of well-being, purpose, and passion.
This is not a financial planning book. The book’s focus is emotional and social well-being in retirement. Its immediate goal is to soften the period of disorientation that can come as we transition into retirement, reducing or eliminating depression, anxiety, and grief. Its broader goal is to get us closer to our ideal retirement, faster… by guiding us to become exactly who we want to be, doing all that we want to do. Simply put, it’s about shopping for delight.
For those of you thinking about retiring or recently retired, I hope the stories and information you read will inspire, enlighten, and embolden you. For those of you well into retirement who sense that something important is missing in your lives, I trust you’ll find some of the missing pieces on these pages.
I love the retirement phase of life. The whole world stops briefly and asks, “What do you really want?” Psychologist Rick Hanson put it eloquently when he said, “Imagine your deepest wants like a soft warm current at your back, gently and powerfully carrying you forward along the long road ahead.”1 [1]
The stories and information in this book are to enable that soft, warm current at your back, allowing you to probe the question of what you really, really want.
Who am I?
My name is Mariella Hoy and I’m a life coach, female, age 66. For most of my adult life I’ve been known as Mariella Vigneux, but recently I reclaimed my birth surname, Hoy, exasperated with the gender inequality of ‘maiden’ names. I’ve been married only once, but the 45 years have more than made up for any missed experiences. I have two grown children who both still love me, so I figure my parenting guesswork paid off. After attaining a Masters in Business Administration, I gained humility, work experience, and knowledge while working with IBM and Public Health. I now specialize in retirement life coaching. The arrogance of the Life Coach title embarrasses me, but the recommended title of Certified Professional Coach — weighted with its ambiguity and self-importance — also causes me to wriggle. Whatever the title, I love my work. I’ve spent the last 15 years riding shotgun for people who were figuring out what to do with the rest of their lives. I’m gratified that my clients have gone away happier than when they arrived.
I work out of a home office in a log house on 50 acres of bush, at the dead-end of a road not far from a small city in Ontario, Canada. To save money during the winter (scarcity thinking), I turn down the propane furnace and heat my office with a woodstove. With the cat curled up by the stove and snow falling on the crabapple tree outside the window, it can be quite cozy.
Despite all I’ve learned about retirement, I’m perplexed about my own retirement well-being. I dither and ponder. This insecurity has provided much enjoyment for my brother-in-law, who I poked and prodded through years of his own pre-retirement angst. My dithering puts an unholy gleam in his eye. The presumption of me writing a retirement self-help book puts an unholy gleam in mine.
What is causing my insecurity? Maybe I’m afraid to make the leap because it was late in life when I finally figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I haven’t had long enough being that grownup. Maybe it’s because I distrust the stirrings that say I’m ready to give up something I love. Whatever the reason, I haven’t been saved from the disorientation that this phase of life can bring.
How this book came about
Although my personal uncertainty about retirement is one reason for this book (you write what you want to learn about), the main reason is because so many people I talk to are anxious to know how to bridge what looks like a treacherous gap between their current existence and what they hope to build in retirement life: a sense of purpose, passionate activities, warm relationships, well-being, and a feeling of fulfillment. What they see in financial and healthcare advertising are whitewashed, stereotypical retirees in wheat-coloured knit sweaters, with blindingly white teeth, smiling complacently while riding bicycles built for two. Where is the pain, grit, confusion, and quirky individualism? Where are the answers they crave? The financial planning and pension seminars cover well-being topics as if they are the gingerbread on the house, instead of the concrete foundation.
Another driver behind the book is that it provides a way to finally tease out the answers to questions that have danced through my consciousness since I was a kid.
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
- What makes you happy?
- What changes can you make to create a better life for yourself?
These questions have fascinated me. They’ve shaped my choices for work and play and guided my conversations with pretty much anyone I’ve bumped into over the course of my life. And one thing has led to another.
Flagging tape led to retirement coaching
If you look back on your life as a kid, you’ll find character traits that can act as flagging tape along the trail to where you would be happiest in life.
The earliest flagging tape I remember was when I was perched on the roof of our house spying on the neighbours. I was about 12 years old and wanted to be a detective. I also remember sitting at the family dinner table, a boardroom table purchased by my dad to hold his family of 12. (My parent’s Irish Catholicism blessed them with 11 kids, configured as four sets of twins and ‘The Three Stooges.’ The eldest twins were only 7½ years older than the youngest.) Anyway, I remember holding a spoon to my face like a microphone and asking my siblings and parents, in turn, penetrating questions, like “What was one good thing and what was one bad thing that happened to you today?” Okay, not penetrating questions, but I remember really wanting to know the answers. As a young woman, I read career planning books, such as You can be whatever you want and What Color is Your Parachute. In my 20s, as I made my way through 5 years of business school, I gravitated to the Human Resources, Organizational Behaviour, and Communications courses. My choice of university program — business — was made by the process of elimination: what did I not want to study. At IBM, although I was in a technical job, I loved the employee career planning and other HR documents. I kept them for years, taking them out periodically to admire them. Over the years since, I collected aptitude tests, leadership models, and personality assessments.
When I was 50, I finally figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be someone who worked one-on-one with people on their big life issues.
I spent 1½ years with Adler International Learning, a coach training program affiliated with the University of Toronto. In 2006, I founded Crabapple Coaching, a one-person coaching practice.
In true coach-like fashion, I wasn’t on some misguided crusade to tell my clients what to do with their lives. I was, rather, fascinated by what they would learn about themselves, what made them happy, and what they wanted to be when they grew up. I thrived on witnessing the changes made to better their lives. (I apologize to my children and first clients for jeopardizing their well-being with my early attempts at coaching.)
Over the years, I realized that, as people near retirement, a cauldron of emotions starts bubbling. It’s half terror and half enthusiasm. Retirement struck me as the perfect time to answer those fascinating questions: What do you want to be when you grow up? What makes you happy? What changes can you make to create a better life for yourself?
In the retirement stage of life, usually the burden of having to make a living is gone. The amount of savings we’ll have for our retirement has already been determined. If we’ve had children, generally they have left home and are making their own life decisions. We’ve had a lifetime to figure out our strengths and weaknesses. We likely have a sense of what we value, what we like, and what we don’t like. It’s an ideal time to figure out what makes us really come alive. It is for these reasons that I chose to focus my coaching practice on the retirement age and stage of life.
Scary abysses led to the workshop
Retirement is a transition for which many are unprepared. Financial planning is available, but I knew that not much help was being offered to those considering retirement who wanted to explore the non-monetary questions, the important stuff like well-being, happiness, and creating purpose and passion in life.
Also, when faced with retirement we can suddenly confront some scary abysses. I spoke with a man who was retiring after decades working for the same organization. He was distressed about retirement because he had no partner, no children, no close friends, no hobbies, and he was moving to a new town. A woman whose prominent husband was retiring, found herself suddenly retiring as his unpaid social secretary and homemaker. She saw retirement as desolation. I talked with several people who felt shockwaves in their marriages, now that retirement was setting their house of cards teetering. I also spoke with a high-powered professional at the top of her game, overworked, overachieving, courted in her field, but desperate to retire, and at a very young age. Her sister told her she’d be dead within the year if she retired, like a racehorse banished to the pasture. Such scary times for so many people.
Since most financial retirement workshops weren’t successfully providing answers to questions about emotional and social well-being, I decided that a different kind of workshop was needed.
Knowing little at that time about retirement, I immersed myself in books and studies about aging well, retirement well-being, the stages of adult development, life transition theory, positive psychology, and happiness.
I took great care to ensure that the new workshop would meet the needs of people who were either thinking about retiring or newly retired. My Learning Needs Assessment included in-depth and key informant interviews. I sought advice from a Dialogue Education specialist, a professor of family studies, a financial-services professional, a therapist who specializes in couples counselling, business owners/leaders, and others. Based on the needs outlined and the advice given, a business school survivor and friend, Helen Hillman, and I developed the workshop: Retiring with Purpose and Passion. We tested our results in a pilot workshop, then delivered our workshop to various organizations and groups around Ontario, always incorporating what we learned from our participants into future workshops.
Learning through others’ struggles led to the newsletter
The workshop was well-received and appreciated. However, I kept thinking about the adage that we learn best through the stories of others. We learn best through other’s struggles, experiences, and wisdom. Working collaboratively with past clients, past workshop participants, friends, and family, I started collecting retirement stories. Every contributor was asked to tell what they had learned from their journey into retirement. Their stories were full of insights and hard-earned lessons.
Each month, I published one or two of these stories in an online newsletter called Retiring with Purpose and Passion. Supporting the personal retirement stories were articles presenting theories, research studies, and statistics that showed how to age well and how to create meaning and well-being in retirement. I also added my own musings and those of coaching colleagues.
The newsletter ran for 4 years and became a place where people could learn, exchange observations, and have their thoughts and feelings normalized and validated. With the help of 42 contributing writers, I’ve posted 170 articles, not to mention the treasures offered by the many Doggerel Cup Contest entrants, survey respondents, people who posted comments on the blog, and our editors.
What a riotous, far-roaming newsletter! Tales of purpose and passion, disorientation, the art of recovery, love, money fears, wattles and wrinkles, loss, Bob Dylan, and groundhogs. Lists and blank pages, onions, unexpected job loss, job burnout, creativity, great expectations, monkeys, retirement trepidation, and spiders.
We bounced around. Partners, grandchildren, daily structure, and self-determination. Old key rings, dreams, downsizing, graveyards, protecting our personal space, sleeping in, and the anguish of a friend. Giving something back, exchanging cash for time, hip surgery, the puritan work ethic, hospices, healthy aging, balance, just saying ‘no,’ and drunken matadors.
And on… to creating a new identity, inertia, grief, getting to a full stop, sharing chores, bagpipes, vanity, stripping down to the essentials, and liver and onions. And let’s not forget mortality, resilience, chronic illness, co-living, contentment, legacy, and tomato sandwiches. How far and wide we travelled together!
By this point, 4 years after the first newsletter, I was completely absorbed in the world of retirement. I was coaching individuals, facilitating workshops, and editing the stories of retirees for the newsletter. I was also learning about how people fared in retirement, and it wasn’t all good news. Statistics and studies showed many retirees sailing happily into the sunset, yet there were too many tales of capsizing, wrong turns, and rough voyages.
Startling retirement outcomes led to this book
Retirement is one of the biggest life-transitions we go through. It can affect almost everything: how much money we have, our identity, our routines each day, who we see, our sense of purpose, and even when we sleep. Yet, many of us are unprepared, not understanding how we’ll create well-being and happiness in the next stage of our lives. In the first year or two of retirement, many people are surprised by the impact of the changes. They may be staggered by feelings of loneliness and depression. One person was so stressed by retirement that she signed up for stress management classes. That’s totally understandable. Retirement usually spans 20 to 40 years, a daunting prospect if most of life’s structures and sense of purpose are suddenly gone. So, it is worth spending some thought on how to create a fulfilling post-work life.
It can take many years of considering retirement before we are ready to take the leap. I find that, generally, people take about 5 years to retire — to get to the day when they say, “Sayonara! I’m out of here!”
What is disconcerting is that about one in four retirees is likely to feel confused and troubled after the retirement honeymoon. Sometimes this disorientation can last for years. It can be an anxiety-provoking time. And, although some disorientation is useful for determining what one really wants, it would be better for the retiree, their family, and their friends if the confusion and perplexity did not drag on too long.
When we do finally retire, the top predictor of how well we will adjust to our new retired state is called ‘Conditions of Exit.’ The conditions of exit from our career are things like choosing our retirement date, having a phased retirement in which we work part time, having time to prepare, going to a retirement workshop, being given a retirement party, and feeling valued as we leave.
But here’s the rub. A startling percentage of people retire unexpectedly. They have little or no control over their conditions of exit.
A recent poll revealed that while 55% of pre-retirees expect to know their retirement date at least a year in advance, only 39% of those retired said this was the case. More concerning, 16% of retirees said they had no warning at all.[2]
For years I have been reading polls that outline the reasons why people retired. Just under half of those who left careers for reasons beyond their control retired for health reasons or to provide caregiving to a family member. Others left at the employer’s request. Some quit voluntarily, because they felt out of step with the corporate culture, the direction the organization was heading, or the value placed on their contribution to the workplace.
Whether because of being laid off, an illness, the need to care for a loved one, or becoming fed up, sudden termination of work can be a shocking event.We’ve had that cruelly brought home to us by the COVID-19 pandemic, which has messed with our anticipated retirement dates, either through job loss, reduced working hours, or extended working years. Sudden job loss for older workers can become permanent, as jobs prospects dwindle. Some have had to close their businesses. Others nearing retirement have chosen to continue working, to make up for the shrinkage of their retirement nest egg. Either way, control of the conditions of exit has flown out the window for many.
Even without the trials of unexpected or postponed retirement, the retirement phase of life offers many challenges. What happens when we give up our identity, title, power, security, income, roles, status, and recognition? Who are we then? How do we manage the turmoil of joy, sadness, fear, relief, resistance, surprise, anger, and anxiety? What will replace the companionship we had with our work colleagues all those years? How do we structure our days when our daily habits are suddenly gone, when we no longer have a path to follow, when we have no clock or calendar to guide us? What will replace the sense of purpose our careers gave us? How will we adjust to being at home alone or with our spouses all day, every day?
These challenges can make retirement a disconcerting time.
In addition, many of us will face one or more special tests during our transition into retirement. For example, we might move to a new community, be involved in the divorce process, have to adjust to substantially less income, or face a death in the family. Complicated times!
How do we lessen the disenchantment and disequilibrium that can happen as we adjust to our new state? What are the tactics for getting our heads on straight about retirement? Where is the manual for retiring gracefully? Where is the playbook?
A book was crying out to be written. I could see that people wanted support and I was in a position to help. That and my big sister told me to write a book. So, I did. This is it.
How to read this book
Please consider this book your own private retirement coaching, with the added benefits of lessons learned from a bunch of seasoned retirees, snapshots into the retirement process from an “unambitious overachiever,” just enough theory to let you know what is important in creating well-being and happiness, plus some quick-reference tools to have handy on your journey.
As you read, you’ll be prompted to probe the question of what you really, really want and encouraged to make your retirement as irresistible as possible.
With these ideas in mind, the book is laid out in three sections.
1: Ten Emotional and Social Challenges Faced in Retirement
Out of the morass of retirement questions with which we wrestle as we near retirement and throughout retirement, I discovered clear themes. I’ve grouped those themes according to the most common emotional and social challenges people face.
The first section of this book is dedicated to these challenges, as seen through the stories of people already retired. (Some of these people asked that their identities not be revealed. All the stories are real.)
Along with the tales of retirement from our contributors, I added my own stories and insights into retirement well-being.
I hope that you will relate to the struggles, stories, and insights in a way that lets you say, “Yes, that is true. I understand that.” May they give you clarity, ideas, and inspiration.
Self-coaching questions
At break points throughout the book, you’ll find self-coaching questions, which you can use to address your own situation as it relates to the topic under discussion.
Following Frank into retirement
A treat is waiting for you at the end of each topic and each section. Here you’ll find stories from Following Frank into Retirement, a popular series of articles starting 5 months before Frank’s retirement, and then periodically after retirement, until Frank has 4 years of retirement under his belt. Frank gives us a lively account of what is going on in his head as he progresses through the retirement stages.
Describing himself as an unambitious overachiever, a middle-of-the-road kind of guy, his priorities in life are “family-first, work-second, and Frank-third.” Frustrated with his job and deeply desiring retirement, Frank is worried about having enough money. In his stories, he shares his thoughts about bagpipes, money, dental plans, fulfillment, money, lawn mowers, life, and money.
Even if you’re not concerned about money in retirement, you’ll enjoy watching Frank stickhandle his way to the finish line and beyond.
2: Three Components for Well-Being and Happiness in Retirement
In the second section of the book, I present three components of well-being, with the theories and statistics which underpin them. They describe ways of living that set the conditions necessary for happiness to occur more often. I think of them as the root vegetables of retirement.
3: Some Final Thoughts
I’ve put together some quick references — tools to keep handy over the coming months — such as a cheat sheet for tackling the challenges, steps to take when preparing for retirement, and a summary of the book’s main points. As well, this section contains what I hope are some thoughts to hearten you and get you raring
to go. Lastly, the final word goes to Frank, 4 years into his retirement.
Gems
As I already mentioned, for 4 years I published tales of retirement each month in an online newsletter called Retiring with Purpose and Passion. At the end of each year, to commemorate a year of published newsletters, the editing team would choose the best bits of wisdom and humour from the contributing writers, looking for universal truths. You’ll find these gems in large quotation marks at the end of most chapters.
Now, it is time for you to launch into the stories and information that will provide a soft, warm current at your back, gently guiding you to a retirement full of purpose, passionate activities, warm relationships, well-being, and fulfillment. Pleasant journey!
[1] Hanson, R. (n.d.). See Deep Wants. Retrieved, with permission, August 12, 2022, from https://www.rickhanson.net/see-deep-wants/
[2] Ipsos (2020, January 16). Retirement Doesn’t Always Go as Planned: RBC/Ipsos Poll. Retrieved August 9, 2022, from https://www.ipsos.com/en-ca/news-polls/Retirement-Does-Not-Always-Go-as-Planned