What to put on a bucket list 7

Thoughts from a Retirement Coach

By Mariella Vigneux, MBA, ACC
Certified Professional Coach

“Edward Perman Cole died in May. It was a Sunday afternoon and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. It’s difficult to understand the sum of a person’s life. Some people would tell you it’s measured by the ones left behind, some believe that it can be measured in faith, some say by love, other folks say life has no meaning at all. Me, I believe you measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you. What I can tell you for sure is that by any measure, Edward Cole lived more in his last days on earth than most people manage to wring out of a lifetime. I know that when he died his eyes were closed and his heart was opened…”

These are the opening lines of the movie The Bucket List, released in December 2007. The voice is that of auto mechanic Carter Chambers (played by Morgan Freeman), talking about Edward Cole (played by Jack Nicholson), a billionaire who owns the hospital where the two characters meet. Having both been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, they share a hospital room, and their journeys toward death.

When it becomes evident that they will both soon die, they start a bucket list, a list of things they’d like to do before they ‘kick the bucket.’

What is worthy of the list?

The aspect of the movie that interests me is what they choose to put on their list. I’ve never had a bucket list and sometimes wonder if I lack imagination. Imagination fuels what is possible, after all. At other times, I pat myself on the back, telling myself complacently that I don’t need a bucket list because I already have the important things in my life. But I do wonder if a list might spur me forward in life somehow, and so am interested in what’s on people’s bucket lists.

Carter and Edward’s bucket list, as best as I can determine, includes the following:
• Witness something truly majestic
• Help a complete stranger for a common good
• Laugh ‘til I cry
• Drive a Shelby Mustang
• Kiss the most beautiful girl in the world
• Get a tattoo
• Skydive
• Visit Stonehenge
• Spend a week at the Louvre
• See Rome
• Dinner at La Cherie d’Or
• See the Pyramids
• Hong Kong
• Victoria Falls
• Serengeti
• Ride the Great Wall of China

They tackle the list, crossing things off as they go, and adding more. They fly over the North Pole, go on a lion safari in Tanzania, attempt to see Mount Everest, and visit the Taj Mahal. After gallivanting around the world, Carter comes to a better understanding and appreciation of his love for his wife. In an attempt to influence Edward to find a similar happiness, Carter poses two questions. He says these are questions the gods at the gates of heaven ask the dead:
1. Have you found joy in your life?
2. Has your life brought joy to others?

In the end, what brings Carter and Edward real joy, and what is most meaningful to them, is revitalization of their special relationships – for Carter, with his wife, and for Edward, with his estranged daughter. And Edward kisses his granddaughter for the first time, realizing he is kissing the most beautiful girl in the world.

The Chewbacca principle

One item on Carter and Edward’s list that I would add to mine is “Laugh ‘til I cry.” This finally happens for the characters in the movie when Carter reveals that Edward’s beloved Kopi Luwak coffee is processed through the digestive track of a breed of wild tree cat, giving the coffee the distinct aroma of its gastric juices. Edward says, “You’re shitting me!” Without missing a beat, Carter replies, “Cats beat me to it!”

I recently saw a video that made me laugh like that. (Maybe you’ve seen it: Chewbacca Mom Video. 104 million people viewed it in only three days.) Candace Payne videotaped herself opening a birthday gift, a Star Trek Chewbacca mask that makes the creature’s trademark noise. Throughout her video, Candace reveals a pure, open enjoyment of her new toy. Having ramped up to tear-producing laughter, she signs off with the statement, “It’s the simple joys.” Too true!

Going for good feelings

On any bucket list, positive emotions are definitely worth pursuing: laughter, joy, love, gratitude, hope, and contentment. I believe these are at the root of what motivates us. But what about those times when we can’t generate positive emotions – the situation is perilous; we’re been dealt crummy cards. Are we prepared for those times? Have we cultivated a Zen-like ability to accept what is, to play the cards we’re dealt? Maybe our bucket list helps in these situations by drawing our attention away from the tough stuff.

And how does all this relate to retirement? Retirement is a time for rebuilding the scaffolding of our lives. We have a window of opportunity to set new habits in place. Will these habits include time to reflect on what makes our lives meaningful? I’m noticing that many retired people are very busy… doing, doing, doing. Is it just empty busyness? I’m hoping not; I’m hoping that all this doing is helping people find ways to feel valued and loved, helping them build new identities in retirement, and helping them discover real meaning in their lives. And good feelings.

Measuring!

In the opening lines of The Bucket List, Carter says, “Me, I believe you measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.” It would be good to think I could have a positive impact on others and the way they think and act after I’m long gone. However, I can’t fully support the notion of measuring ourselves. I’m tired of measuring and being measured. In fact, if I put anything besides “Laugh ‘til I cry” on my bucket list, it might be a wish to stop measuring and judging myself and others. Wouldn’t that be a great way to live… accepting ourselves, others, and what is?

Shopping for delight

The real value of a bucket list, in my view, is that it keeps us hunting for ways to enrich our lives with good things. It keeps us focused on positives, and less so on all that is bugging us.

Carter and Edward travel the world celebrating their lives and searching for meaning. In the end, the highlights of their bucket list are their renewed relationships. Also, they come to see that they have ‘helped a complete stranger for a common good’ – each other – through their shared experience and by coming to know and love each other. Their bucket list is the catalyst for the happiness they create for themselves.

So… great relationships, good feelings, and laughing ‘til you cry. I love the notion that we can go shopping for delight. It’s there for us if we look, and I think it helps to name it on a bucket list.

Self-Coaching Questions

When you put things on your bucket list and then cross them off, do you examine whether they brought you the rewards you anticipated?

When you look at your bucket list, can you see ways in which you measure and judge yourself and others?

Are you filling your life with activities that provide meaning and joy?