The struggle to become (reasonably) selfish in retirement 2

Retirement Stats, Studies, and Stuff

By Mariella Vigneux, MBA, ACC
Certified Professional Coach

There are compelling reasons why we need to practise the art of selfishness when we retire.  Retirement is the time of life when we are well rehearsed in a life of service, we are subtly pressured to continue in service, and yet we have a special opportunity to wield our unique creative powers.  The danger is that continuing to live an unexamined life of service could strip us of this opportunity, leaving us dull, unfulfilled, and even resentful.  On the other hand, if we spend our time and energy attempting to develop our creative powers, we can become fully enriched and useful to the world around us.  The fly in the ointment is that we may be considered selfish, in our own eyes and in the eyes of others.

Selfishness means showing a lack of consideration for others, having concern only for yourself and your own needs and wants.  As Oscar Wilde described it, “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”

I’m not advocating for that kind of selfishness. I’m encouraging enough selfishness to get what we need to flourish.  We do this by jealously guarding our energy and time until we have established routines and expectations that bring forth our best selves. How can we provide the most benefit to others if we are not fully functioning and content?

In retirement, we face forces that would strip us of our self-determination and creativity – if we let them.

Coming from a life of service

Most people retire after having spent 30 to 40 years in some combination of working, childrearing, and volunteering.  The work ethic in them is well and thriving.  When they retire, they find it hard to let go of that work ethic, as it makes them feel productive, relevant, and needed.  Their sense of duty to others has been long practised and is reinforced by approval from society.

Not only that, our generation is firmly sandwiched in a caregiving role.  Many retirees still have children living at home and many are caring for elderly parents at the same time.  Statistics Canada’s 2008 ElderCare Study points that out:

Most eldercare (75%) was provided by those between 45 and 64 years of age. That also means that 1 in 4 of those providing care to seniors were themselves seniors

 43% of the caregivers were between the ages of 45 and 54, the age at which many Canadians still have children living at home

Caring for others is usually a good thing.  It’s good for them and it’s good for us.  But is there such a thing as helping too much?  I have a friend who is working full-time, caring for elderly parents, helping her partner through daunting medical tests, helping grown children, taking care of two loveably rambunctious dogs, and volunteering long hours with many organizations.  My friend has more energy than anyone I know, and she likely wouldn’t change a thing with her lot in life (except perhaps the medical tests). The question ‘How much is too much?’ is a personal question.  When we’re helping at the expense of our own welfare, then it’s too much.  When we feel unfulfilled… when we aren’t getting to the stuff that really excites us, that’s when developing the art of selfishness becomes necessary.

The subtle pressure to continue a life of service

 When people retire, often they don’t know what they want to do.  A vacuum opens in their lives, for a short period of time.  They become uneasy.  They become susceptible to two subtle forces that can pull them into activities of service to others.  Succumbing to these forces may work out well for them, but it could also be soul-sucking.
 
1. Stereotype:

One force exerted is the stereotype depicting everyone volunteering in retirement.  Volunteering without consideration of your skills and desires isn’t a great idea.  I was at the hospital last week for a bone density test.  The woman at Central Registration gave me explicit directions for where I was to go and then handed me over to a volunteer.  This man spent our short trip together complaining stridently about how his role was being overlooked and undervalued.  I sympathized with him, but also wondered what motivated him to be there. Did he want to be appreciated or did he want to be selflessly helpful?  He wasn’t enjoying himself and he wasn’t making my day better.
 
2. Expectations of others:

The other subtle pressure people face in retirement – and this is often self-imposed – is the pressure to help out with colleagues, children, nieces/nephews, and grandchildren. This kind of helping can be an absolute joy.  However, if we don’t take our creative endeavours seriously, if we don’t give full weight to our own activities, we can sell ourselves short.  Of course we want to help our friends and family; we love them.  We see how busy, tired, and stressed they are.  We hear a subtle buzzing in our ears: “Well, you’re retired; you have nothing to do.”  Before we know it, we’ve committed to doing way more than is good for us.

It helps to look at the motivation behind our volunteering.  Writer Linda Blair put it well in her article In Praise of Selfishness:

When deciding whether selfish behaviour is good or bad, we need to consider not only the behaviour, but also the motivation behind it. Someone who gives in order to be reassured they’re important or helpful is actually behaving selfishly. Someone who behaves in exactly the same way, but gives because they’re proud of what they’re offering and would like to share it is being selfless, not selfish. To give when your heart isn’t in it is an empty gesture. This is put most beautifully in Kahlil Gibran’s book The Prophet:  “For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man’s hunger. And if you grudge the crushing of the grapes, your grudge distils a poison in the wine.:

The urge to create

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

 ~ Anais Nin   

We all have creative juices in us – skills waiting to be developed, talents ignored during our working career. Sometimes they show up through painting, needlework, writing, music, or woodworking, and often they shows up in creative thinking processes like problem-solving and planning. Whatever the form, retirement provides us unprecedented time to focus on our creativity.  This time has to be safeguarded.

Creative people say NO

When a well-respected psychology professor was researching his book on creative people, he requested interviews with 275 famous creative people.  One-third declined to be interviewed and another third never responded.  Why did only a third of these creative people respond?

In his article Creative People Say No, British technology pioneer Kevin Ashton explains the reason:

 “Time is the raw material of creation. Wipe away the magic and myth of creating and all that remains is work: the work of becoming expert through study and practice, the work of finding solutions to problems and problems with those solutions, the work of trial and error, the work of thinking and perfecting, the work of creating. Creating consumes. It is all day, every day.

 ….Saying “no” has more creative power than ideas, insights and talent combined. No guards time, the thread from which we weave our creations.” 

The secret to being selfish

 Ashton acknowledges that the no button, although it is what keeps us creatively productive, has its drawbacks:

“No” makes us aloof, boring, impolite, unfriendly, selfish, anti-social, uncaring, lonely…

So, how do we safeguard our time while still remaining useful and connected to our colleagues, friends, and families?  How do we resist the pressures of our internal work ethic and the external expectations of others, so we can flourish creatively?   How do we give ourselves permission to explore what we’re best at and what we enjoy?

I think writer Linda Blair provides the solution:

 ….The secret to being selfish in a good way is to spend time doing what you love, then to share your skills and talents freely with others.

That’s it: do what you love and then share it with others.  We can set up the practice of spending time in our creative pursuit.  And if we respect that time, others will too.  Our practice will soon become a habit and, before we know it, we’ll have new skills and talents to share with others.  All it takes is a little honing of our selfishness. It sounds easy, and yet…

Self-Coaching Questions

When do you feel you are spending your time selfishly?  Might some great idea be percolating?

What talents and skills do you enjoy developing?

How can you preserve time for your creative endeavours?  What do you need to say no to? When will putting yourself first really pay off?

How can you share your good stuff with others?