Pre-retirement emotions: a boiling cauldron 2

Thoughts from a Retirement Coach

By Mariella Vigneux, MBA, ACC
Certified Professional Coach

Since 2009 I’ve been recording people’s thoughts about retirement – what they feel when they contemplate retirement, how they visualize their ideal retirement, what gets them excited, and what challenges they face. Below are actual responses to three questions I put to workshop participants prior to workshops and to key informants prior to creating the first retirement workshop.

1. Pre-retirement feelings (generally)

Question: What are some of the feelings you have when you contemplate retirement?

• The emotion is surprising even me. The severing of ties and goodbyes is like when a child is marrying – a happy occasion, but emotional for the parents.
• Sadness – about leaving students and colleagues. I’ll miss the students very much. I’ll miss the people at work; who will I talk sports with?! (hockey)
• Fear of a younger person doing a better job in my old job (fear of failure?)
• Bliss, relief, excitement, leisure, owning my time, less stress. But also worry about loss of income, loss of a meaningful role and loss of daily, diverse contacts. Also, will I have contact with interesting ideas and problem solving which improves my mental agility?
• Feelings are scattered!!! Apprehension on a variety of levels, financial comfort, unknown – of what it will feel like, having always been under a time clock and someone else’s agenda, relief from constant pressure, freedom!!!!, identity – wondering if I would have feelings of lack of accomplishment or decrease in feelings of self-worth??? Will it have any impact on relationship with husband???
• Grateful that I can afford to retire! Pay without working… weird feeling…
• Approach avoidance

2. Pre-retirement excitement

Question: When you visualize your ideal retirement, what gets you excited?

• Sleeping for as long as I want — for at least 2 months!!
• Doing what I want and when – the possibilities of spontaneity!
• Vacation – travelling/being on holiday for longer than 3 weeks at a time
• Time to see friends, family, places. Pursuing some personal interests that I have no energy and time to pursue. Finally cleaning my house!!!
• Not looking at retirement as a panacea, but learning more and more about balancing life now – I hope to ease into retirement and hope I can spend the next 15 years working to achieve the balance of work and play with greater and greater skill – I would like to work the last 3 – 5 years (3 to 4 days per week not 5 or 6)
• I’m so not going to be the good girl anymore!
• Excitement…so many things — spending more time with family and friends and having a grandbaby in the next few weeks, going to the gym, engaging in volunteer work, reading, gardening, fibre art, quilting, knitting, crocheting, travelling, finding activities that my partner and I can enjoy together
• I don’t really see all I will be doing, but perhaps a different home, either, small farm or log or stone house or something with view of water. Just time to enjoy, entertain family & friends. Maybe a part-time job, travel, free time, do what I want, enjoy the family (grandkids) not worry about finances, contribute to community, fun, fun, fun. More sheep time, more we time. Family, friends, travel, volunteer.
• Being more available to my grown children
• Excited about time for art (painting especially, also jewelry making), for reading, for people, for spiritual and personal growth, for cooking, for travel, possibly for writing, and for leisure.

3. Pre-retirement challenges

Question: When you visualize your ideal retirement, what challenges do you face?

• Financial – although we are working with our advisor on this, I still worry that there won’t be enough to get along on
• Unstructured time can get aimless and less precious
• Partner not retiring, worried about his expectations
• To keep physically fit to do the things I want to do and be patient about aspects of aging that may not show themselves immediately but may do so over time
• Recognizing the natural social networks that come with working and how to replace some of these; what will my new social networks look like
• Concerned about becoming “attached at the hip” to my spouse (I mean that in the kindest way!)
• Finding a travel companion who shares my interests
• I went from school to work with only 3 months for one maternity leave…so all I know in my life is commitment to a job. My life has always revolved around my job. Always have been doing for someone else.
• Concern that I may not be able to contribute to causes I feel strongly about

A thought-rendering process

I’ve learned from my discussions and work with all these people. I’ve learned that emotions are very mixed when people contemplate retirement – a cauldron of varied feelings! I’ve seen that these emotions intensify as people get closer to retirement.

And I’ve learned that often people face one or more challenges with their transition into retirement. For example, they might have been fired, have chronic illness, be moving to a new community, be involved in the divorce process, be adjusting to substantially less income, or be facing a death in the family. Complicated emotions!

From my own experience, and the experiences of those I’ve coached, I have discovered that this time of disorientation that comes with big life transitions is not a bad thing. It is simply a time to learn – to learn what we need, what we like, what we don’t want, who we want to become, and what will be our best course of action moving forward. If we can become comfortable with this disorientation and stay in this learning phase, we are much more likely to move forward with greater clarity and confidence. It’s a thought-rendering process that yields a more potent solution.

Never look down

The other thing I’ve learned is that when you’re climbing a tall ladder, it’s less scary looking up than looking down. When going through a significant life transition, we’re better off focusing on what is working for us now and what worked in the past, than it is dwelling on what is scary or negative. We can ask ourselves: What worked for me when I first left home to live on my own? What worked when I first shared my life with someone else? What helped me when I ran into my first roadblocks as a parent? When I lost someone I loved, how did I get through it? What strengths and abilities can I call upon as I contemplate retirement?

The coming to the end of our traditional careers brings big change, and big change can bring hard adjustments. However, this time of our life is incredibly rich with possibilities – and we’re well placed to grab them. We know ourselves fairly well by this age and stage. We know our strengths and trigger points, our needs and wants. We’ve been through enough experiences that they’re starting to repeat themselves. We know how to build on our gifts, misfortunes, and successes. So, we have all the necessary elements to recreate ourselves in retirement – to burst forth into a glorious new form, whatever form we choose to take.