Leaving behind a life legacy that goes beyond ego 10

Thoughts from a Retirement Coach

By Mariella Vigneux, MBA, ACC
Certified Professional Coach

On March 1, 2009, after attending his brother-in-law’s funeral and hearing of the many public services in which he had been involved, my 88-year-old father wistfully said, “I wonder what they’ll say about me.” He wondered if he had done enough in his life, if his eulogy would be so glowing. Four years later, August 28, 2013, at the age of 92, he died. Was his eulogy glowing? It was, not so much for public service – although he had done more than most – but for the small, wonderful things he did for those dear to him. More on that in a minute…

Legacy beyond ego

When I mention the idea of leaving a life legacy, the response I often get is cringing. My family and friends don’t like the traditional definition of life legacy – being remembered as someone who did something great. That is not to say that they don’t want to be remembered by those they love after they’ve died – they do! But they don’t accept the idea that we need a building or street named after us, or reverence paid to us.

The definition of legacy I like is one I adapted from Your Leadership Legacy (Galford and Maruca), an excellent book about developing a legacy in your career. The authors define leadership legacy as

“…the enduring impact leaders have on the people they work with. It is the way that leadership lasts. It can be seen in the thoughts and actions of people who have worked with you long after your professional affiliation has ended.”

Extend that definition to a lifelong legacy and we can define life legacy as

“…the enduring impact you have on the world in the way you’ve changed how people think and act, long after you’ve been forgotten.”

My sister Helen summed it up nicely in a question: “How will the world be different because I was in it?”

My brother Martin suggested that we can live a life that leaves a good legacy simply by living well… without focusing on the goal of leaving a good legacy… leaving ego out of it. And my brother-in-law believes that we strive to live an exemplary life if we have that tendency, not because we want to leave a better legacy.

So, whether we strive to or not, how do we change the way people think and act because of the way we live our lives? How can we leave a good legacy that goes beyond ego?

Bernard’s legacy

Back to my father. Bernard hand-wrote a 32-page autobiography detailing his family upbringing, wanderlust, high school shenanigans, meeting and marrying my mother, work experiences and moves to different cities, family life, his faith, retirement, house renovations, travel, and his second marriage. These are the conditions that make a life. Although interesting, the autobiography doesn’t tell the true worth of the man. It is more about doing, than being.

What came out at his funeral service, were the small legacies that mean so much to those he shared his life with – his 10 children. Random snippets of Dad’s life were read from a letter written 16 years prior to his death. The letter was called the piggyback letter and was written by my three brothers, six sisters and me. It was a letter of memories and reflections of our lives together. We called it the piggyback letter because one person started it off and then sent it by snail mail to the next sibling, who added their memories and any corrections or notes to the previous person’s recollections. We gave the final letter to Mum and Dad for their 50th anniversary (July 31, 1999).

Here are a few of the small memories that made up Bernard’s rich legacy:

• Dad built us a toboggan slide out of snow in the front yard and sealing it with freezing water.
• Dad said that, whatever the finances, they wanted to take care of teeth and feet, so new shoes that fit for everyone and milk at every meal.
• He didn’t judge people by their appearance. It was part of his great strength of seeing all people as people.
• He had a unique list of expressions of dubious origin:
  • You’d have to hunt around, peck around, snort around to find any luckier rib-rab-rhubarb rabbits
  • Ho-dly-ding-dang, ding-dang, ding-dang!
  • Uppty-duppty – rise and shine. Time for uplin’ and dupplin’!
• He was steady and unflappable.
• Dad made exotic cakes – multi-layered with bright shocking pink filling oozing out.
• Dad would read to a row of kids on the couch – him in the middle.
• We came home from a holiday when Dad had to stay behind and he’d painted the entire kitchen, cupboards and all, white! Beautiful – a treat for Mum.
• The wonderfully engineered eight-man bunk bed / dining table with benches ingeniously fitted into the trailer.
• I loved seeing Mum and Dad laugh while having a pillow fight together.

Greatness in small acts

Legacy is a sliver of light in a dark place. It is a lesson on how to love, or how to play. A scent that stirs a fond memory. The comfort of good food. A feeling that justice has been served. A sense of safety and belonging.

Seemingly small acts have great impact. A good friend of mine has a message at the bottom of her e-mail signature: “Not all of us can be famous, but all can be great.” Small acts can create great change in other people’s ways of being. Generations carry the effect. And, as my sister points out, let’s not forget that much of who we are is a direct legacy of the generations before us, from our relationships with them, but also less directly through the impact of books and education.

On the wings of hope

I look at the lives of my friends, clients, and family members and delight in the legacies they are building. Here is some of what I see them doing:

• Discovering ways of managing personal fear and suffering
• Listening to friends, appreciating them, and loving them, with the understanding that love is pivotal to making the world a better place
• Planting a vegetable patch and tending it with children… then those children doing the same with their children
• Working to understand men who have been violent toward women
• Helping the walking wounded, as one of the walking wounded
• Creating beauty and pleasure in a garden, a cake, or a bar of soap
• Proliferating ways of questioning and thinking, through social justice teachings on race, gender, sexual orientation, and class
• Modelling confidence during crisis, as a midwife’s mentor
• Transforming ugly houses into places of beauty and comfort

Legacy, ready or not…

We build our legacy every day, in every relationship, and in every human interaction. We shape our legacy when we’re cranky, tired, depressed, or sick, just as we do when we’re elated, on top of the world, and operating at our best.

I’ve asked myself if it matters if we are intentional about our legacy. My conclusion is yes, it matters. What we do and how we live will impact the world. Like the wings of a butterfly, however small our movements, we do impact the winds, and those winds can sweep across faraway lands. The more we are intentional about living well, the likelier that we’ll have a warm and beneficial influence.

It’s in the being

My father wondered if he had done enough with his life. I suspect he thought a glowing eulogy meant an impressive list of services to the community, mountains climbed, and summits reached. The ‘doing’ in life. For me, it’s the ‘being’ that matters. If we were suddenly rendered unable to do, how would we choose to be? Most of us, fortunately, are fully functioning and can both do and be. It is up to us to decide how we want the world to be different because we were in it. I think how we choose to be will have a bigger impact that what we choose to do.

Dad left three generations of people who prize education and fitness. Three generations who pay attention to a good pair of shoes, dental health, and pineapple upside-down cake. But he also left a multitude of people who are kind and playful, who put boxer shorts on their heads at birthday parties, and eat three desserts at a go. Who whistle while they work. And people who, when seized by a rush of goodwill, will shout ho-dly-ding-dang, ding-dang, ding-dang.