Choosing not to be sad 2

Tales of Retirement

By Judy Callahan
Director, Child Care Services
University of Guelph
Retired January 2009

I began this article while sitting in an airliner on my way home from Australia. Nine hours into that 35-hour journey, I began to reflect on all that had happened in the previous six months. I was away for 35 days, exactly the number of days my husband Gerald lived after he was given a terminal diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

Since my last article (One Widow’s Retirement Story), published December 2014, much has happened in my life.

Within six months of Gerald’s death, almost all of the financial matters that required my attention were completed. There came a clear point when I could no longer occupy my days with paperwork related to his death. “What now?” was the question I asked myself many times a day. How would I continue to create a Plan B?

An astounding choice

I remember talking to a widower who was 14 months out from his wife’s death. They had known for three years that she was dying. I remember feeling jealous that they had had three years in which to live and say goodbye. He told me many stories about their love for one another and how they had spent their last years together.  And then he said something that struck me as very odd at the time. Nine months after her death, he made a decision that he wasn’t going to be sad anymore.  I was astounded by this statement!  How does one choose not to be sad when the pain is so unbearable? My first reaction was to dismiss his comment. The only problem was that during the following months, this thought kept coming back again and again.  I struggled to make sense of why I couldn’t let it go. Clearly, I had to let go of my notion that it was a ‘male’ comment and get it sorted out. I came up with many reasons why he would say such a thing, but none of them were satisfying.  After months of struggling, I came to the realization that this was not something I could do… ‘decide not to be sad’… what nonsense!

And then it happened. I woke up one day a few months later to find that what I had struggled for months to comprehend I now understood completely. I had arrived at a very new place in my grief journey. So I, too, chose not to be sad.

Plan B takes shape

Then two significant things happened which have assisted me in moving forward with Plan B. One was carefully planned and the other happened quite unexpectedly. The first was a trip to Vancouver Island to visit a dear friend, followed by four weeks in Australia. I traveled with my sister-in-law and it was a wonderful trip I will always remember. The second thing was quite spontaneous. I bought a new house three weeks before my trip. While I had been looking at houses in Guelph to educate myself about prices and locations, I had absolutely no intention of moving for a few years. A friend called one morning to say she and her husband had seen a house for sale they thought I should see. I got out of my pyjamas, drove into Guelph, viewed the house and, with the support of friends and family, bought it. I knew it was the perfect house for me. Before leaving for my trip, the home that Gerald and I had built was put up for sale.

And now, six months later, I am sitting in my new house completing these reflections which I began while flying home from Australia.

Our house sold in September, I moved at the end of October and the first Christmas in my new home has passed. Much of the holiday season was emotionally challenging and there were moments of contentment and happiness.

So this is progress

Having chosen not to be sad doesn’t mean that I am never sad anymore. I am sad at times; the difference is that I am not deeply sad all the time. I still cry, but not every day. I still get blindsided by grief, but I no longer live in that space. So this is progress.

My life is bittersweet much of the time, but the balance is shifting and I know Gerald would be proud of me and happy for me. I will always love and miss him, but now I am able to be grateful for all the time we had together rather than sad all the time that he is no longer with me.

It has become very important to me to ‘pay forward’ all the love and support I have received in the last two years. One of the ways I have chosen to do this is by becoming a member of the advisory group of the Griefwalk program I attended. I will participate in training here and in Colorado, which will help me develop skills to help others who are grieving and mourning.

On the 22^nd of January, it will be two years since Gerald’s death. It has been a hard, hard, hard journey.  Slowly I am finding purpose in Plan B and I now have hope that, in time, I will find the passion. One of my goals for 2016 is to immerse myself in fibre art and quilting. Perhaps these activities will ignite the spark!

The right space, the right place

My home backs on the University of Guelph Arboretum, a green space which at the moment looks like a winter wonderland. My journey has been one of many small steps. It brought me to many sad, grand, overwhelming, and awe-inspiring insights while on opposite sides of the globe. It eventually brought me to this small, quiet place. As I sit here, slowly growing more comfortable with Plan B, I am grateful for this space, and I am grateful to family and friends for all they have given me.  I am in the right place for this moment.